I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
