I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
