life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
