She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
