How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
All the doctor said was why
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
