Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
