First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
