i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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