life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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