My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
