my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
