You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
