How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Even my vagina gasped.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
