Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
