Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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