Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
