Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
