My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
