My cat gives me a boner
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
