she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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