Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
