I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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