So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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