Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
