someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The uberlube is also flammable
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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