When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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