I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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