If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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