One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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