those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
