yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
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It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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