If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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