it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
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Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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