no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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