That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
