I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
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Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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