he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
