Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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