my phone needs a breathalizer
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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