fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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