all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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