I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you traded sex for a burrito?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
we should paint friendship bongs
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
