So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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