I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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