I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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