I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
