help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
