John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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