Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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