well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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