i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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